In like a lion and out like Flash Gordon!

What the H E Double Hockey Sticks happened to March?  What? Oh, "The H E Double Hockey Sticks"... I love this one too. I got it from an English professor in college. We pushed her every button and she still couldn't cuss - can you imagine never cussing? I love cussing! I don't really cuss out loud anymore but I do get a kick out of silently answering stupid questions with things like "Whatever... shit for brains!" or "Dumb ass".  I can make myself giggle just thinking about the expressions I would get if I actually said these things.  It's really just about a shock factor, there are very few people in my life who I honestly want to cuss at anymore so I'm mostly talking about people in the mall or the environmental petitioners who come to the door asking "do you have time to consider supporting humane solutions to dealing with the flea plague recently discovered in the local prairie dog populations?" See what I mean? You thought it didn't you, you thought something like "Get a life you damn moron!" Me too, and then I wait a beat (so they get the fact that I'm choosing my words carefully) and sweetly say "I'm so sorry, I don't sign petitions but I'd be more then happy to educate myself and perhaps compose a letter to my representative in support of your cause. Do you have a pamphlet or brochure I can keep to read later?" -  which by the way is a great trick to know because they never have the money to print in bulk so they only have one copy to use to show everyone. They can't leave you with anything and you don't feel guilty about telling a fib. SUCKERS!!!

So, on to the blog - What happened to March? OMG, I looked up and it was April. Pretty crazy. Chris has been out of town since the end of February and I spent some time in Atlanta but other then that I am shocked to see April already here... that's a little over a quarter of a year gone by.  Now I do have a few things to show for the lost time, for example, I've been working in Denver and I've been training for the Triathlon (I'm signed up for the Danskin in June!). I'm also working on a few projects with Calluna Events. I've also managed to keep the house clean and  I've still been using recycled bags - I figure I've already avoided using at least 60 plastic bags since I started. I've also managed to eat a salad everyday - I figured I'm up to about 25 lbs of fresh spinach. I'm volunteering at the radio station about three times a week - they moved me up to reading the Denver news LIVE! And I've been reading books like a crazy woman. I do love books, I can't believe I've stayed away from books for so long. My final bit of news is that I've finally started my own book. It's a cheeky piece of fiction that will appeal to the cool, hip, professional, gals who have got everything under control but love... but this one's different, it's going to be good.  My book starts with our girl being dumped at the alter and then getting into a huge knock down drag out fight with her stand-in maid of honor because she's been sleeping with the groom.... I'm watching "Bridges Of Madison County" as I type so please excuse the long pauses and sniffles. Makes me wish I was a suppressed Iowa housewife who runs into Clint Eastwood and  then discovers how much the rest of my life will stink (the power of movies!). Since Chris has been gone the television has only played lonley heart movies, I married the wrong guys movies, and Forrest Gump.  What the?

There are a few other reasons that brought me back to the blog. 1. I've missed my soapbox. 2. I've read some great books I want to review. 3. I've been meaning to change the name and haven't come up with the best one... I think I'm going to change it to "Dash Of Spice". and 4. Go Fug Yourself published the most fantastic entry and I wanted to share it with you - "To The Aflecks From Jennifer Lopez":

Dear Bennifleck,

Hola. How are you? I hope you are hell. Just kidding, I meant "well." OH WAIT, NO I DIDN'T. I just wanted to say hello, and thank you for the generous baby presents that I assume you bought for me but which clearly got lost in the mail because one of you is too busy being BORING to write the address correctly and the other one of you is Ben. So, si, idiotas, I LOVE my MISSING PRESENTS so very much. As Marc said the other night, you put the "ass" in "Muchas gracias." HA HA HA HA. At least, I think that's what he said -- he was drinking a can of V-8 through two straws stuck on his incisors, but I am pretty sure I understood correctly because that is what love is about, people. Straws and red liquid. Because when you put those two together for a few days straight you get LOTS of horizontal mambo and then LOTS OF BABIES!

Oh, wait, what is that you are murmuring? You could only do ONE baby at a time? WEAK SAUCE, Mrs. Bennifleck! There is WOMB FOR TWO in this lady -- ha ha, that was Marc again, he is so funny when he's playing with his straw fangs! -- and I wore heels the entire time, and we haven't slept in 120 hours and I THINK maybe Marc is shrinking because his coat doesn't fit any more but I am HERE and I am swathed in a CURTAIN and I am your superior in every way! When was the last time YOU had two babies at once and then went right out and matched your eye makeup to your husband's best pair of shiny pants? When was the last time you even BOUGHT your Benfleck a pair of shiny pants? That's RIGHT, enemiga estupida, GAME, SET, AND CHECKMATE to ME!

Besos,

J.

 Isn't this CLASSIC? I'll be writing more so check back when you have some time. 

Besos to you too!

S 

Where's the love?

February was supposed to be a month filled with observations of love. I was certain that all it would take is setting my sights on the cute couples walking the Pearl Street mall and I would have entries to write in my journal for weeks to come. Well I hate to say it but I've been having a hard time finding the random acts of the sickly sweet I was hoping to find. I haven't even seen the basic peck on the cheek or the tug on the shirttail. The closest I've come to witnessing boy / girl interaction was seeing some creepy 8 year old swing at a little girl with a ski pole... but even then I can't be sure it was love because I only saw one adult and I'm thinking she was their mother.

So it comes down to this, I've been looking for love in all the wrong places, looking for love in too many faces... I'm sorry, I couldn't resist. Actually, after spending another morning looking for blogging material in my local coffee hole I've come to the conclusion that February, in a cold snowy hell like Boulder, might not be as conducive to love watching as some of the other places I've celebrated Valentine's month. Starting tomorrow, I will stop looking for sweetheart love and just focus on human interaction...Boulder Love.

Which brings me to another Valentine's Day wet blanket, Jeff Yeager, The Ultimate Cheapskate. What? No, he calls himself that, I didn't do that. If I had my way I'd call him "Mr. Hate's Motorcycles" just to be sure Chris would never find him. Up until today I've actually enjoy his blog (errr-uhm... I mean my cheap sister enjoys his blog) but after reading his thoughts on Valentine's Day the man deserves the silent treatment and a good old fashioned night on the couch! Here's an excerpt:

Strategically positioned between Christmas and Tax Day - the two Black Holes of outgoing cash flow (Can you hear the sucking sound?) - Valentine's Day was obviously engineered by marketers as a release valve to siphon off that thin film of personal earnings that's just beginning to gather above the red tide of our yearend holiday debt, on or about February 14th each year. But there I go again, dampening the esprit d'amore of our lover's holiday. Forgive me for accidentally pouring salt peter in your $60 box of Godiva chocolates. Read the rest but don't show your husband!

See what I mean? Talk about taking the "izzle" out of "sizzle". And why does trimming back always mean "cut the romance?" It's true! Romance and feeling pretty are the first things to go when, as a couple, you're saving money.  I expect that Mr. Yeager thinks that lighting an old candle at dinner equates to spending irrational amounts of hard earned cash.  To be honest, this isn't my issue with Mr. Yeager. My problem is that Mr. Yeager, assumes that all women want "senseless spending"... something big and sparkly that smells like chocolate, rubbed across our pushed up breast while we're sitting in the middle of a velvet red dining room watching gay men holding baskets of bread twirl from table to table. UHG! I hate being clumped in with these greedy cows every man seems to have dated in their past! 

Here's what I want Mr. Yeager (and the men like him) to understand...  Valentine's Day, positioned between the holidays and tax day, does come at a tough time of year... the middle of the Winter Blues. More then love and romance, Valentine's is the Winter hump day and for this reason alone it must be held sacred. February 14th sparks the beginning of all the things I equate with Spring - putting on some color, trying a new hair style, getting out of the house, doing a little flirting and maybe, if I'm lucky, seeing Chris act goofy just because he likes me.

What am I doing for Chris?  While he's gone shopping for the amazing dinner he cooks each year I'm going to bake him two dozen chocolate chip cookies, paint my toes, and write a secret note on my bottom in hopes that he'll find it a little later - Kidding!  I did that last year, this year I have to find a new place to write!  

There goes $30 bucks!

Did you know that you're supposed to take off your nail polish when you go for physicals or exams?  Why hasn't someone told me this?!  I can't count the number of times I've been up late the night before an appointment shaving my legs and painting my toes (and waiting for them to dry)... some freaky way of showing  "I'm squeeky clean... outside and in". Oh don't give me that, you do the same thing.  All normal women do... if you don't (up until you read this entry about not wearing polish) you're a hairy freak! 

Apparently fingernails (and toenails) show the signs of many of the major health concerns. From nutrition to  circulation, to... you name it, your nails are meant to show more then a disposable income. If you don't believe me google it!  Until you have to go for a check-up check out the new line on OPI - I love India!

21 days is all it takes to build a habit!

Recycled Bags - I'm hoping this means 21 days in a row and not 21 times to the grocery store!  I have yet to bring a plastic grocery store bag into the house... yep, I'm a rock star!  I think Chris is on the same train but it's hard to give him too much credit because he's been to the grocery just under twice since the first of the year.  I do have to applaud him for keeping those goofy reusable bags (cute when women carry, goofy when guys carry) in the car when his buddy was in town.  

Read a book a month - started my second book in an effort to live my "vision board"... check out my book club. 

Volunteer - AIN "Audio Information Network" - my radio show - was much better this week. I had more source material so I was able to spend more time with the local news and a little less time on the obits and the hours at the Social Security office... which by the way, the Brush Social Security office will not have a representative from the State Office until March 4th.  I was also able to spend some time on the local elections and I have to ask, was Colorado settled by emigrants from Eastern block countries? I swear the only other place a collection of last names like the ones that comprise the city council members of the Colorado High Plains could be found would have to be in the secret files of the KGB.   

Triathlon - training is still on the horizon, I'm researching bikes and actually browsed the  bathing suits at Sports Authority. My big hang-ups are, A. The cost of a road bike that I might only ride twice. And B. I'm trying to figure out some underwater system of music for swimming laps... oh yea and C. There's snow on the ground and I can't make myself go outside to run!

As for my last resolution update... YES, I'M STILL EATING A SALAD A DAY!!!! 

My Radio Debut

Oh my god!  You know how when you read my blog you think - "This girl needs her own radio show?" Me too! That is until this morning...  we thinks wrong.  I have to be honest, I thought I'd just strut into the little volunteer radio booth and toss out the day's events with a well timed final chuckle at the end of the opinion piece by  local rancher , old what's his name, and then waltz back out exactly 1 hour and 3 minutes later.  All the way up until 8:15 when I walked into the booth, I envisioned myself flipping the pages without skipping a beat , drinking water without holding my breath,  pausing only to answer the phone (ringing off the hook) and talk to the "long time listeners, first time callers" who were trying to figure out who the heck the fresh voice was and pretty much being an old pro at something I hadn't done since college.  Well, at 8:16  I hit "record" and totally balked. Within the first second two things came to mind - 1. Until you're sitting there ready to record you can't really know what needs to happen next. 2. As soon as you realize what you need to do next, 48 seconds of silence have passed and you're show is a total snooze.  At 8:16:49 I hit "pause" and decided to re-group. 

I pulled the papers together and organized them like so: 1. Local News and Events, 2. Community Calendars, 3. Obituaries, 4. Opinions, & 5. Letters to the editor.  This took about an hour.  As soon as I got my clippings together I pushed "record" and announced my show, my name and the title of the first local event. I read every local event and community calendar update I could find in the 6 papers that represent the citizens of the Colorado High Plains... I was finished in about 13 minutes.  With plans to slow the pace I moved on to the obituaries.  I dropped my voice to a low, somber, tone and dove right in.  I felt as though I had found my niche... but only for a moment.  I reached the final paragraph and discovered I had invited friends and family members to attend funeral services that had already taken place. These papers are only printed once a week and since I read on Mondays it's a sure bet all funerals were held the weekend before.  As soon as I realized my mistake all I could think to say was "I'm sure it was a lovely service". 

I couldn't figure out how to recover so I decided to skip the rest of the obits and move on (with 37 minutes remaining) to the Opinions. Now I'm very comfortable reading commentary and after reading an opinion from a rancher who is a regular contributer I had no doubt that I would sale through the final half of the show... wrong! I opened the opinion section of the second paper and realized the same headline as the one I had just read. Apparently he is the only op-ed writer in the High Plains.  I'm guessing a local rancher who discusses a permanent confusion about the opposite sex is an easy cost for small town papers to budget.

What I thought would be a breeze was a tough little challenge... it took me two hours to record a one hour radio show!  As much as I was sweating the crazy last names and mixing up dates of past events with future plans I really enjoyed my time in the booth. There was a moment when I thought I'd be let go but when I checked out I was given a warm "thank you" and a sincere "see you next week".   All I can figure is that they at least have to give me three tries before they can put me on trash duty.  So my first volunteer duty of 2008 was a fun success... of course I wasn't the one listening so I can only speak from my side of the microphone. What if after all that I didn't really record anthing?!

I look forward to getting better and hopefully earning a live spot on some international news show.   I'll keep you posted!

 S